An Antidote to the 'Problem'

Rev. Casey Roberts -

When someone we know or love is in crisis, our worlds begin to spin. There is suddenly so much to think about…

• understanding the nature of the problem,
• finding a solution to the problem,
• communicating the problem to others.

And in the wake of all this, the problem suddenly becomes the major point of focus. In essence, what we want—which is our joy—begins to dissolve as all of our thoughts and efforts focus on what we don’t want—the problem.

At the same time, we want to help. 

In the case of illness, for example, we may want to “be there” for our family members, spouses or friends as they move through the medical mill of diagnosis and treatment.

So we read what we can about the illness, its causes and its treatments. We become familiar with new terminology and new realms of science. And still, it’s all about the problem.

Problems are not constructive. Problems tend to bring with them only fear. So, when we focus on the problem, we are focusing on fear.

When this happens to someone we care about, it is as though they say to us, “I’m really afraid.” And our response becomes, “Okay. Because I love you, I’ll be afraid too.”

We don’t offer our care and support to people because we're afraid. We offer our care and support to people because we love them. And it is our love that facilitates their healing--not our fear.

When someone gets sick, they are not their illness. When someone’s marriage falls apart, they are not their divorce. When someone we love is in crisis, the things about that person that engendered our love are still present. 

It is in meeting them in that place, a place of love, that we are both healed.

Now I’m not suggesting for a moment that when a friend or loved one is in crisis that we deny the challenges that they are facing and act as if nothing is happening. Nor am I suggesting that if someone is in pain that we disregard their feelings.

But I am saying that when people we love are in crisis, they need not be treated as though they have suddenly been transformed into their "problem." 

That which first engendered your love for that person is still there. The joy and beauty of that person is still present. It's only by looking into the essence of those we love that we can meet them at the place where true healing occurs.

There is a phrase that I heard for many years…and it took me many years to understand it.

The phrase is, “Holding the space for someone.” “Holding the space” can mean a variety of things. But, for me, it means that I hold a space in my heart for someone’s joy—-even when they are sad; I hold a space in my heart for someone’s wellness—-even when they are sick; I hold a space in my heart for someone’s abundance—even as they are losing their home.

And when I hold that space in my heart for someone, I find that I’m no longer focusing on the problem or my fears or their fears. 

Instead, I am keeping alive a vision of their joy. 

I am keeping alive the truth of who they are—-beyond the problems and the pain. I am keeping alive a place to which they can return once the storm is over.

To heal is to make whole. It is to mend what has been broken. 

And when we support another person’s healing, it is inevitable that we will be healed as well. But that can never be accomplished when our thoughts are focused only on what is wrong. 

It can only be accomplished when we remember the love that binds us together.

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