How to Stop People from Emotionally Manipulating You

by Steven Bancarz -

If you are reading this right now, then chances are you have been manipulated by someone at some point in your life.

There is also a good chance you are being manipulated right now. Teachers, co-workers, relationship partners, friends, and family are usually the ones who end up manipulating us because we feel as though we can trust them.

Because we feel like we can trust them, we open ourselves up to persuasion, manipulation, and being emotionally abused by them.

If we want to avoid being manipulated, the first thing you have to do is recognize that you are in fact being manipulated. All this really requires is self-honesty and the willingness to admit to ourselves that we are being taken advantage of.

 Once you recognize the problem, you can begin to fix it.

Here are 3 ways to avoid being manipulated and what you can do if you suspect someone is manipulating you:

1. Don’t be scared to say “No” or be selfish 

Something I have just recently learned is how to love myself enough to say “no”. Not just “no”, but “hell no” and “absolutely not”.  

When you get into the habit of being a people-pleaser because you think it is greater to make other people happy at all costs, you deny yourself your own happiness. 

When you do this, you adopt a vibration that is compatible with being on the receiving end of manipulation. 

Being energetically predisposed to saying “yes” all the time actually opens you up to being manipulated. 

You are actually energetically consenting to attracting a manipulator in your life since your vibration is already aligned with the vibration self-denial and low self-esteem. 

You attract what you need to evolve, and if you are too afraid to say “no” or give yourself permission to be selfish once in a while, you are going to give off the smell of weakness. 

2. Speak up 

Calling people out is a great way to stop an energetic imbalance from continuing to develop or perpetuate. Put your foot down, and speak with confidence. 

Saying something like, “I have a feeling you are trying to manipulate me here for some reason. Why am I picking up on this?” or “What are your intentions for doing/saying this?”. 

If you know for sure that someone in your life is manipulative towards you, tell them that. What do you have to lose? 

Chances are, they will fold in on themselves energetically, especially if you speak up from a vibration on confidence and self-certainty. 

Remember to make your energy match the result you wish to achieve. If you confront them from a place of weakness and low self-confidence, you are consenting energetically to being manipulated. 

3. Get a read on them 

It’s a lot more difficult to be emotionally manipulated by someone when you know what their true intentions are. 

If you want to know what someone’s intentions are, forget about the words they are using. It is estimated that only 7% of communication is actually verbal.  

Here are some other things to look out for to try to get a read on someone:

• Watch their body language. Are they tight, tense, or using hand gestures to try to deceive you?
• Watch their eyes. Are they having problems making eye contact?
• Listen to their tone. Are they nervous, forceful, or using a tone to try to diffuse the situation?
• Watch their energy. Are they trying to dominate you energetically?
• Trust your intuition. Do you feel something wrong in your gut and heart?

Once you train yourself to be energetically sensitive, attuned to your intuition, and develop the skill of being able to read people’s intentions through non-verbal communication, you will be literally impossible to manipulate.

You can only be manipulated if you are fooled. No matter how close you are to someone or how much you love them, nobody is incapable of manipulating you.

The best thing you can do is love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be taken advantage of, speak up when you feel something in your gut telling you something is wrong, and be present enough to step outside of yourself and get a read on the other person.

Remember, the universe responds to your dominant vibration. If you are a push over energetically, the universe will send you more experiences that correspond to that vibration.

facebook/steven.bancarz

thespiritscience.net

How to Instantly Click with Everyone You Meet

by Lolly Daskal -

Why is it we click with some people and not others? What if we could actually click with everyone we meet? What would it take?

Try these simple steps to instantly connect with anyone and to build stronger relationships with the people who are already in your life:

Take a genuine interest.

Everyone--everyone--has something unique to offer. Find out what makes people who they are. 

Hear their story. Ask questions. Dig deep and connect.

Build on common ground.

At its most basic level, any relationship is built on some kind of common ground. 

When you meet someone, try to find something that connects you to similar backgrounds, values experiences. When you detect a pattern, a "Yeah, me too!" moment, connection is instantaneous.

Smile.

"Smile and the whole world smiles with you." Sure, it's a cliche, but for good reason. 

A smile generates enthusiasm and interest; it communicates friendliness and goodwill; it shows you to be accessible and approachable. 

Smile when you speak to someone, as you walk into a room, and when you pick up the phone.

Remember names.

Notice how people introduce themselves and let that be your guide in addressing them. 

Remembering a person's name is important, and using it occasionally in conversation creates connection and helps you remember.

Encourage people to talk.

The key to locking into any relationship is to invite someone to talk, and then listen. 

Most people are just waiting for the other person to finish so they can say their part. Listen and show interest, even if it means stretching your attention span.

Learn from everyone you meet.

Keep the focus on the other person. As a bonus, this prevents your being dragged into gossip. 

Stay focused on his or her interests; find something this person can teach you that will be useful or interesting to know.

Show up with enthusiasm.

People who live with passion find it easier to connect with others. 

Knowing what you really care about and why lets you tap into your own enthusiasm. Upbeat people are inherently likable, and those who radiate enthusiasm tend to click with others.

Make others feel important.

Use your words and attitude to create a spotlight. Let the person you're speaking with know he or she is important, and important to you, by the way you talk. 

Let the sound of your voice be energized. Ask for input. Ask for advice. Ask for help. Ask for insight. Ask for experience. All of these invitations tell the person, "I find you important."

Look for the good.

Be generous with others; look for points of agreement and places where you can affirm or reinforce what they're saying. 

Speak patiently and with care, and those around you will feel heard and appreciated.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

As often as we've heard this, it's still easy to forget to do it from time to time. Don't overthink or complicate it: The power is in the simplicity.

Connecting with others does not take much. It is truly simple. Just be mindful, thoughtful, and genuinely interested.

Offer an honest compliment or your authentic appreciation. There's always something to appreciate about almost anyone.

Maybe it's nothing more than being genuine, as simple as being a leader--or a person--who cares, because when you care, you'll instantly click with everyone you meet.

lollydaskal.com

A Radical Way To Grow Spiritually In A Relationship

by Lissa Rankin MD -

As you walk a spiritual path, do you ever struggle in relationships with those who are not in the same place in their personal/spiritual evolution as you might be? In his online program Integral Enlightenment, spiritual teacher Craig Hamilton breaks relationships into three categories:

1) Those who have no interest in your personal/spiritual evolution or their own
2) Those who are curious and interested in personal/spiritual evolution, but who aren’t as committed as you to the spiritual path
3) Those who are totally committed to doing their own work and growing with you in an active partnership (what he calls “evolutionary relationships”)

Evolutionary Relationships

So what is an “evolutionary relationship?” Craig teaches that an evolutionary relationship need not be about romance or sex at all.

In fact, that dimension can often complicate things. He says many of us have sense that there’s a potential for an extraordinary type of human relationship, marked by an unprecedented level of intimacy, vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency, essentially being with each other without any boundaries or barriers, being together truly beyond ego.

Many have sensed the potential to be in a relationship that’s always moving, not getting stuck in old patterns, but always vital, dynamic, and thriving, resisting the urge to rest on familiar, known ground.

You may have tasted this kind of dynamic in a relationship, but it’s challenging to stay on this edge, to keep moving forward without sliding into destructive patterns, which might leave you thinking this kind of relationship isn’t possible.

Very few relationships will ever evolve to the third level. How will you know the people willing to go there with you? And what would a relationship like this be like?

Craig teaches us how to be proactive about cultivating such relationships. To do this requires essentially establishing a sacred contract, setting up what he calls “an evolutionary partnership”, which can be governed by the following radical principles.

PRINCIPLES OF EVOLUTIONARY PARTNERSHIP

1. The very context and organizing principle of the relationship is conscious evolution beyond ego.

This is the very purpose of why we’re in the relationship. Instead of organizing around comfort, survival, mutual benefit, comfort, and connection, in this kind of relationship, we explicitly commit to coming together for a higher purpose.

That’s the “why” of the whole thing. We have a shared agreement for why we’re here.

Instead of colluding together to protect and preserve the status quo of the relationship, we’re willing to put the relationship at risk, to constantly challenge the relationship, as a way to evolve spiritually together, as a way to avoid falling into stuck, habitual patterns that lead the relationship to go to sleep.

2. We agree to be mutually accountable to something higher than ourselves.

In most conventional relationships, we’re attempting to negotiate between two people’s individual needs and desires. The personal self is the only context we have, so the relationship is the result of two isolated personal selves with their own unique agendas attempting to negotiate so they can be in relationship together without too much conflict.

Typically, we ask, “What do YOU want to do? What do I want to do? What are we both willing to give up so we can meet in the middle?”

in an evolutionary relationship, our #1 priority is aligning with Divine will, rather than focusing exclusively on our own personal desires or the desires of the person we’re in partnership with.

When a conflict comes up, we’re interested not just in both personal points of view, but in what’s the right thing to do from the highest perspective, in service to the highest good of all beings. It’s about not caring so much what you get out of the relationship or what the other person gets out of it.

It’s more about a mutual seeking of truth, of what’s right and whole and aligned. We ask, instead, “What’s the right thing to do to the best that we can discern it?” This way, there is no fundamental conflict. You both want the same thing- the highest good- rather than focusing on personal desires.

You’ll always find your way through when you’re genuinely prioritizing this outcome. There is no “winner” or “loser” because the highest good always wins- and you both want that.

3. We recognize that we have an ego, that we’re prone to error.

Because we acknowledge that we both have egos, we know that we are prone to misinterpretation of circumstances. I defined ego here, according to Craig’s definition, so don’t be mislead by a term that often gets misused. Read what I wrote about ego here.

When we both acknowledge our own egos and our potential for error, we come together with the commitment to try to see clearly, beyond the ego. This means we’re willing to call each other on unhealthy patterns and try to break those patterns.

It’s an exercise in mutual humility, acknowledging that we aren’t going to do it right, that our egos are going to screw us up, but that we’re mutually committed to trying to uncover what is true, in spite of being prone to error.

This way, there’s no compulsion to defend your point of view. You’re both committed to seeing what is true. 

It’s a radical act, to be willing to stop defending your motives whenever you are challenged. Because we both have egos, we must recognize that we’re prone to distortions and be willing to acknowledge that with humility.

4. Despite the fact that we have egos and are prone to error, we want to be accountable to our potentials, to our highest and best selves.

This means that even though both parties know we are prone to errors in judgment and distortion, we’re not using that as an excuse at all. We are acknowledging that we always have a choice in the matter. Our egoic limitations are not an excuse for not showing up fully.

We acknowledge that we have a right to expect this from each other, even though we have egos and tendencies for error. This only works with two people who are really committed to showing up in this way, wanting to be accountable and be held accountable.

It’s not about always getting it right. We’re going to screw up. It’s not about beating each other up for our tendency to be prone to error. It’s about committing to operating at a risk-taking edge, which requires a lot of trust and commitment to mutual accountability.

5. The context for our engagement together is about leaning into our evolutionary edges, where we’re growing and evolving, sharing a mutual interest in our evolving edges.

Rather than meeting in our limitations, fears, and doubts, colluding in how we’re failing to show up to our highest potential, complaining about what doesn’t work, we take a stand for meeting in service to our highest potentials.

Some relationships are based on sharing every that’s wrong or not working or where we’re struggling or fearful. This fifth principle is about making that off limits, not that there’s no place to talk about your limitations, but that the relationship is meant to lift up what’s possible, rather than to devolve into a shared bitchfest that drags both parties down.

The context for the engagement, therefore, is from a place of desiring to manifest our highest potential, taking a stand for one another’s higher potential, reaching for what’s possible, sharing what comes up as we awaken.

It’s a positive, uplifting context for engagement but a challenging one, because it’s a stretch and requires moving out of habitual patterns that tend to plague a lot of spiritually-minded or psychologically-minded relationships.

6. We agree to be mirrors for one another.

Rather than merely affirming each other’s self image, as most relationships operate, we agree to reflect to the other person things about who they are that might be outside of their awareness. We tend to see others more clearly than we see ourselves.

As evolutionary partners, we agree to lovingly and gently, without judgment, point out blind spots in each other to help illuminate what we might not be seeing clearly in ourselves. This includes mirroring back not only negative traits- things that need to evolve- but also positive things that we may not see within ourselves.

This includes mirroring back how we’re growing and where we’re making progress. We can not only help undo negative patterns; we can also mirror back the uplifting things we may not see in ourselves. This means being willing to challenge each other’s assumptions, really striving to help each other see ourselves more clearly.

7. We aspire to set an example for one another.

We are not perfect. We are not going to always get it right. But we are aspiring to model what it means to have an evolutionary and enlightened relationship to life, stretching vulnerably into the unknown.

We aspire to uplift each other through our own examples. This means radical transparency. In many close relationships, you devolve when you get comfortable. You let that person see your worst self. But in these relationships we aspire to be our best selves, not our worst self with each other.

About Author: Lissa Rankin, MD is a mind-body medicine physician, founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute training program for physicians and health care providers, and the New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself. She is on a grass roots mission to heal health care, while empowering you to heal yourself. Lissa blogs at LissaRankin.com and also created two online communities: HealHealthCareNow.com and OwningPink.com. She is also the author of two other books, a professional artist, an amateur ski bum and an avid hiker. Lissa lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband and daughter.

lissarankin.com

wakeup-world.com

Healthy Relationship Basics

by Dhyan Giten -

All people seek love, joy and harmony in their own way. 

We all want to be loved for who we are. We all want to be acknowledged and accepted for the unique individual we are. 

The problem in relationships arises when we seek our own center, our own source of love, in another person. We seek a source of love outside of ourselves. 

The problem in relationships is that the other person also seeks after his own center, his own source of love, in the other person. In this way both persons will sooner or later feel disappointed and cheated, because of their expectation on the other person. 

Love is not an exclusive relationship, love is a quality and depth of being. Our outer relationships are a mirror of our basic inner relationship with ourselves. Relationships are a balance, a development and a dance between our male and female qualities.

Let Go of Expectation

It is first when we let go of the idea and expectation that the other person will give us the love that we do not have inside ourselves, that the base for a really loving, satisfying and meaningful relationship is possible. 

It is first when the relationship becomes a giving of love, instead of a taking of love, that the relationship becomes really nourishing and satisfying. As long as we look for the source of love outside of ourselves, we will eventually become disappointed and disillusioned.

It is first when we discover the source of love within ourselves, which is our true nature, that we can become really happy and satisfied.

It is first when we can relate from our inner being, from our inner center, from our inner source of love and truth, that relationships becomes really loving, creative and satisfying. It is first when we discover the source of love within ourselves, which is our true nature, that we can become really happy and satisfied.

As long as we need another person to cover up our inner feeling of emptiness, to cover up our inner darkness and loneliness, the relationship will sooner or later end up in disappointment frustration and disillusioned expectations. 

Authentic Relating

It is first when we no longer need the other person to fill our inner emptiness, that we consciously can relate from our inner being, from the authentic self, from our overflowing inner source of love. 

When relationships are based on the expectation that a partner should fill our inner emptiness, it is like offering an empty cup to our partner with the expectation that the partner should fill our empty cup – instead of overflowing from our inner being and filling our cup from within ourselves. 

The difference between acting out of our inner being, from our inner source of love, and acting out of our inner emptiness, is like the difference between acting out of light and darkness.

I have noticed how much of my professional life – as a therapist and a course leader – that has been a way to fill my own inner emptiness and a way to receive love, acknowledgement and acceptance. 

I notice what a difference it is to be in contact with another person from a desire to get love from the other person or to be in contact with another person without any desire to receive anything from the other person. 

When I can rest in my own inner source of love, it creates a joy and a relaxation in me. It also gives me the freedom to give others the space to be who they are in the moment.

I have also learnt not to act when I am not in the light. 

I have learnt to wait to act until I am in the light again. I have noticed that when I can be in contact with myself – instead of reacting automatically and searching love outside of myself – I can witness my own inner feeling of emptiness, my own need of love from without myself. 

This awareness changes my need to look for love outside of myself and it makes my own inner source of love begin to flow from within myself. 

It is awareness and acceptance that allows me to be with myself and witness my own feeling of wanting love from without myself. It is like being with this feeling and embrace it like a mother embraces her child. This awareness and acceptance makes me come back to my own center, instead of seeking source of love from without myself. 

I also notice that the more I can accept both when am in the light and when I am in the dark, the more this awareness and acceptance makes more light than dark moments arise.

Hold On or Let Go?

A key to relationships is to know the difference between when it is time to hold on and when it is time to let go. The criteria are the degree of joy and satisfaction that the relationship creates.

Expectations are the basic problem in relationships. 

Expectations are ideas of  I should be, how my partner should be and how the relationship should be. When the relationship does not fit with our preconceived ideas and expectations, we become disappointed. 

When I told a beautiful woman who I had a relationship with that I loved her for the first time, she did not answer back that she also love me. Instead she was silent for a long time and then she said: “You are courageous to say that!” 

Her own truth was that she was not ripe at that moment to say that she also loved me. At that moment she was not ripe to take the commitment that it means to say to another human being that “I love you.” I had no expectation that she should say that she also love me. 

For me it was a giving without expecting anything in return. For me it was a way to overflow from my inner source of love and truth. Instead of asking if she loves me, it is simply more creative to ask myself if I love her. It is a sharing of my love – and then it is up to the other person what he or she wants to do with it. He or she does not have to do anything with it either.

Love and Freedom

What is the difference between the love pole and the freedom pole in relationships? 

Relationships are a balance between love and freedom, where often one partner chooses the freedom pole and the other partner chooses the love pole. 

The freedom pole means that the partner chooses his own freedom, independence and individuality before the relationship. The love pole means that the partner chooses love, to be together and the relationship. It is like the image that one partner is always trying to run away from the relationship, while the other partner is running after. 

Earlier I have almost always chosen the freedom pole in relationships, but in one of my latest relationships I found myself in the love pole as she continuously chose her own freedom and independence before the relationship. It did not bother me as I loved her and it was also a valuable meditation for me. 

I could also see that if the relationship should be alive and develop, both partners need to have a basic commitment to the relationship. Both partners need to have a love for each other so that these two poles does not become a mechanical way of reacting.

Love and Truth

If there are love and truth in the relationship, life will sustain the relationship by itself. If there are not love and truth in the relationship, it will change.

Through learning to both be alone with ourselves and to relate in love with other people, we can easier appreciate and accept when life offers us periods of both love and aloneness. It also makes it easier to see when it is authentic to be alone with ourselves and when it is authentic to relate to other people.

Some people cling to relationships to avoid meeting their own aloneness. 

Other people chose aloneness so that they do not have to relate with other people and risk being hurt or betrayed. 

Through learning to both be alone with ourselves and to relate with other people, it gives us a new freedom to relate to life. 

It gives us a new joy and freedom in both being happy and satisfied in our own aloneness and in relating with people in joy, acceptance, trust, friendship, humor, playfulness, understanding, compassion, silence, sincerity, freedom and a sense of oneness in love.

giten.net

5 Secrets to Mastering Conflict

by Dr. Travis Bradberry anda Joseph Grenny -

Between the two of us, we’ve spent 50 years studying what makes people successful at work. A persistent finding in both of our research is that your ability to handle moments of conflict has a massive impact on your success. 

How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect and connection you have with your colleagues.

Conflict typically boils down to crucial conversations—moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and op­­­­­­­inions differ. And you cannot master crucial conversations without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).

With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that TalentSmart has tested, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.

How can you use emotional intelligence to master crucial conversations? 

There are five common mistakes you must avoid and five alternative strategies you can follow that will take you down the right path.

Mistake #1: Being Brutally Honest 

You’ve suffered in silence long enough. Your colleague continues to park so close to your car that you have to enter through the passenger door. You’ve asked her before to stop. After a dozen more violations of your request, you decide you’ve suffered long enough. 

Clearly, she needs to know what you think of her intentional disrespect. So you let her have it. You get right in her face and tell her what an inconsiderate jerk she is. 

How to beat this?  

Honesty without brutality. From a young age, we’re taught to believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend—that the only options are brutality or harmony. With emotional intelligence, you can speak the truth without burning a bridge. 

Have you ever noticed how some conversations—even ones about very risky subjects—go very well? And others, even ones about trivial things, can degenerate into combat? The antidote to conflict is not diluting your message. It’s creating safety. 

Many people think the content of the conversation is what makes people defensive, so they assume it’s best to just go for it and be brutally honest. It isn’t. 

People don’t get defensive because of the content—they get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. It isn’t the truth that hurts—it’s the malice used to deliver the truth. 

Mistake #2: Robotically Sharing Your Feelings 

Some well-intentioned “communication” professionals suggest that when it’s time to speak up, the diplomatic way to do so is to start by sharing your feelings. 

For example, you tell your parking-impaired colleague, “I feel rage and disgust.” Somehow that’s supposed to help. It doesn’t. People don’t work this way. Robotically sharing your feeling only alienates, annoys and confuses them. 

How to beat this?  

Start with the facts. Our brains often serve us poorly during crucial conversations. In order to maximize cognitive efficiency our minds store feelings and conclusions but not the facts that created them. 

That’s why, when you give your colleague negative feedback and he asks for an example, you often hem and haw. You truly can’t remember. So you repeat your feelings or conclusions, but offer few helpful facts. 

Gathering the facts beforehand is the homework required to master crucial conversations. Before opening your mouth, think through the basic information that helped you think or feel the way you do—and prepare to share it first. 

Mistake #3: Defending Your Position 

When someone takes an opposing view on a topic you care deeply about, the natural human response is “defense.” 

Our brains are hard-wired to assess for threats, but when we let feelings of being threatened hijack our behavior, things never end well. In a crucial conversation, getting defensive is a surefire path to failure. 

How to beat this?  

Get curious. A great way to inoculate yourself against defensiveness is to develop a healthy doubt about your own certainty. Then, enter the conversation with intense curiosity about the other person’s world. 

Give yourself a detective’s task of discovering why a reasonable, rational and decent person would think the way he or she does. As former Secretary of State Dean Rusk said, “The best way to persuade others is with your ears, by listening.” 

When others feel deeply understood, they become far more open to hearing you. 

Mistake #4: Blaming Others for Your Situation 

Your boss tells you she’ll go to bat for you for a promotion. You hear later that in the HR review she advocated for your colleague instead. You feel betrayed and angry. Certainly, your boss is the one responsible for your pain—right? Truth is, she’s not the only one. 

How to beat this?  

Challenge your perspective. When we feel threatened, we amplify our negative emotions by blaming other people for our problems. You cannot master conflict until you recognize the role you’ve played in creating your circumstances. 

Your boss may have passed you over, but she did so for a reason. Half your pain is the result of her betrayal; the other half is due to your disappointment over not performing well enough to win the promotion. 

Mistake #5: Worrying About the Risks of Speaking Up 

It’s easy for crucial conversations to fill you with dread. Under the influence of such stress, your negative self-talk takes over and you obsess over all the bad things that might happen if you speak up. You conjure images of conflict, retribution, isolation and pain until you retreat into silence. 

How to beat this?  

Determine the risks of not speaking up. The fastest way to motivate yourself to step up to difficult conversations is to simply articulate the costs of not speaking up. VitalSmarts research shows that those who consistently speak up aren’t necessarily more courageous; they’re simply more accurate.  

First, they scrupulously review what is likely to happen if they fail to speak up. Second, they ponder what might happen if they speak up and things go well. And finally (the order is important) they consider what may happen if the conversation goes poorly. 

Once they have an accurate understanding of the possibilities, saying something is their typical choice.

Bringing It All Together

The only way to win an argument is to never have one in the first place. Successful people know this—they don’t avoid conflict because they can do something productive with it before things get out of hand. 

Apply these strategies the next time you’re facing a challenging situation and you’ll be amazed by the results.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:   

Joseph Grenny coauthored this post with me. Joseph is a four-time New York Timesbestselling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business performance at VitalSmarts. Joseph is the coauthor of Crucial Conversations, Influencer, Crucial Accountability and Change Anything.  

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world's leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by,Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

talentsmart.com

Choosing When to Help and When Not to Help

by Christine Sherborne -

For most of us it is natural to want to be helpful and fix problems for friends and family if we can but very often the best action you should take is no action at all. 

Sometimes I find that I am helping the same person repeatedly and nothing improves. Have you found that you do the same?

Maybe the person doesn’t want your help but just a sounding board to talk through their problem. And sometimes, the person may not realize that they need help and indeed cannot be helped.

I would like to offer you some suggestions that will enable you to decide when to help and when to leave well enough alone.

• One of the first considerations may be to ask, have you the skills, time, money or empathy to give to this person?
• Are they asking for what they want you to do, or what would be best for them?
• Can they help themselves? 
• Are you the best person to help or would someone else be more useful?

So should you help or not?

You should always do your best to help whenever the person who is asking is a child or perhaps elderly or infirm, then you should always do what you can or to seek professional help for them.

For instance, a child may be suffering from some form of abuse and may be finding it difficult to express their feelings or tell you exactly what is happening to them. In this case, a gentle approach could get them to open up and talk to you.

Other situations that your family or friends may be going through that deserve your help can be during a time of grief or illness or financial strife that is not of their making.

As we all know, the events of recent times have caused a lot of people to lose their homes or jobs through no fault of their own. If you are in a position to help them get back on their feet, then perhaps you should do what you can.

It could be that one of your friends is trying hard to improve their skills or lifestyle, and you could help with that process. In this case, you could choose to help them along with encouragement or in a more practical way.

So, a good way to decide whether to help or not is when the person is either unable to help themselves through no fault of their own or when they are doing the best they can and simply need a leg up.

When not to help!

If your friend or family member has put themselves in a deep hole of their own making, recklessly ignoring basic common sense and done similar things in the past, you may have tried many times to help them make wiser decisions but you are wasting your time!

These people are often spendthrifts, drug abusers, violent and untrustworthy. 

Others can be energy vampires, those who suck your energy dry and care for no-one but themselves and their own needs. 

We all know people like this, don’t we? Then there are people who refuse to change their beliefs and lifestyle choices that continually give birth to new problems.

We all know people who believe they are superior and think that they deserve the undying devotion and help of all their friends. These people are often quite capable of dealing with their own misfortunes but choose to use the resources of others instead.

Finally ask yourself the question – should you help someone who never attempts to help others themselves? These people often feel that they are justified in accepting help and never have any intention of giving it.

Sometimes we help because it makes us feel better. This can often end up being detrimental to the person receiving the help and in the long term to you too.

When considering whether to help, make sure that your motives are right, that the person will benefit from your assistance and that they actually want your help.

One last point I would like to make is that you should make sure that you do have the resources, whether time, money or energy and that by helping you will not be creating new problems for yourself.

Part of being fellow travelers on this planet is being able to help each other through our journey and by doing so we can give and receive great joy and satisfaction.

Why not take a few moments to consider how you can help someone or perhaps to reconsider if you should continue to squander your own resources helping someone with no effect.

“A kind and compassionate act is often its own reward.” 

--William John Bennett

colourstory.com

Conflict Resolution in the Higher Planes

by James Clair Lewis -

If a conflict is resolved on the Higher Planes, then it will cease to exist in the Material World. 

This is especially important to comprehend with severe conflicts, which if they reached down to manifest on the Physical Plane, would result in violent combat. 

This technique does not violate another person's free will nor impose anything upon them because what is being explained here is actually just a form of communication.

All of us exist simultaneously on all planes of existence. 

That some people are not aware of this is the reason why we have conflicts in the first place. 

That a person isn't aware of their simultaneous existence on the physical and the higher planes is no reason why you cannot reach them there. 

When you contact a person through the Spiritual Plane to hash out your differences, they have to listen to all that you have to say and you have to listen to all that they have to say. 

There is some wisdom in all of us, even in the most foolish and barbaric. 

Comprehending where they are coming from is an important Key to Spiritual development because it will enable you to more fully encompass all of what we are.

When you use this technique two things will happen. 

• First you will see that the person you have a conflict with, will have changed their attitude somewhat and that things will move much more smoothly. That they probably won't know why is their problem, not yours. Isn't it better not to have a conflict going on?

• The second thing that will happen is that your own attitude will have changed, too. You will have a wider scope of understanding from which to deal with the world. There certainly can be nothing wrong with that!

The technique is simple and there are 2 ways of going about it. 

• The direct way, is to focus upon the essence of the person you are in conflict with, and to initiate communication on the Spiritual Plane. You visualize the relationship and indicate how you want it changed. Pay attention to their Spiritual response, because we all have agendas and needs. Adapt your point of view to accommodate everything involved. Major changes in relationships and situations can be effected in this way.

• The indirect method is also quite effective and recommended if you find the first method too difficult to achieve. Before you put your body to rest for the night, bring to mind the situation and make the point that you want to contact that person that night to resolve your conflicts. Then simply go to sleep and it will all be dealt with on the Astral Plane. You might even dream about it.

The advantage of conflict resolution on the higher planes, is that you get to deal directly with the other person's higher nature, instead of merely their Ego, (or your own). 

This gets around all the mundane issues that cluster around the Material World, like actually hearing what they have to say and getting them to actually hear what you have to say. This can save you a lot of time, grief, suffering and in extreme cases, even physical combat or death.

thegaiandragon.com

Relationships in the New Paradigm

by Jenny Griffin -

As we continue to shift into the incoming energies, one of the biggest changes taking place is to underlying structures. This is affecting a broad spectrum of our existence in this dimension, and relationships are coming into clearer focus at the moment.

There are several layers to the idea of ‘relationship’ as it exists and to the changes that are taking place at the root of these structures that have been in place for millennia.

Relationships vary from person to person, that is known; and yet there is a structure that underlies the concept behind the word that reaches across human experience, whether we have conscious awareness of it or not.

The shifting that’s taking place across so many levels of our human experience is raising deeply-rooted discordance that’s asking to be healed. One place that this affects many human being is in the realm of relationships.

Under the rapidly deteriorating old paradigm, the underlying energy of these interactions was based on the distortions at play across the different aspects of human existence.

This means anything with structures (whether tangible or not) is affected by the disappearance of the old constructs. As the new paradigm has not yet developed ‘structures’ of its own, this is a very shaky time for humanity.

Here’s how it may affect individuals:

Some of those in relationships that have adhered to habitual or accepted definitions of relationship and the roles within them will be finding the new energy confusing and even frightening. (Think of the opposition to same-sex marriage or families as defined by each individual for themselves.)

This shift represents a complete undermining of long-established safety barriers, designed to define a ‘normal’ to which we ‘must’ adhere. As people fight to claim their right to define relationships by their own standards, the distortions are brought to light and feel even more discordant. In these cases, most people will resist the changes by fiercely protecting and defending their ‘reality.’

There are others within relationships that have experienced huge growth in themselves, while their partner has not undergone the same shift. This triggers a deep redefining of roles, which were accepted (whether consciously or not) when the relationship began.

This can create a gap as the one ‘left behind’ feels pressure to change in order to meet the other person where they are. If they’re not ready to take that step, relationships can end, or in some cases, the person who has experienced huge growth makes compromises and holds themselves back to remain in the relationship.

In yet other cases, both parties in a relationship will experience major growth, and yet the structure under which the relationship was established cannot withstand the necessary adjustments. Sometimes without knowing it, we adhere to habitual limits established by our past behaviour/patterning (at the time the relationship was established).

This third example most closely reflects the shift that is happening on a broader scale, as we shift into the new paradigm. Relationships in the old paradigm have grown to encompass distortions of the Divine Masculine energy such as power over, possession, domination and destruction.

Relationships have, through the millennia, taken on these distortions as inherent to the concept of relationship.

What this means is that sometimes despite people’s attempts to ‘define relationships on their own terms,’ with the underlying limitations connected to these old distortions, while individuals can grow, the relationship cannot. That’s because it’s impossible to imagine a structure that enables that within the existing energetic framework.

Most relationships begin with love – a mother gives birth to a baby; two people meet for the first time and share a deep connection; a child gets a kitten for a pet. It is amazing how quickly these can shift into something that looks very different from love, based on the way each party aligns themselves to the structures that arise.

Take the new mother, imagining her new baby arriving, overcome with love. Three weeks later, after sleepless nights, endless crying and bouts of vomiting, the relationship has shifted. There is no less love, it has simply taken on a different quality; it has shifted into an accepted dependency that means the mother has had to redefine herself and her role in this person’s life.

Unless there is constant awareness of the potential to continuously redefine the roles we choose to take on, a structure is established.

Under the old paradigm, dominance, ownership and leader/follower roles were prevalent in relationship structures. 

There is the assumption that one party has some authority over another, up to and including what they do with their bodies. It was not that long ago that a woman required her husband’s or father’s permission to have her wisdom teeth removed if she was under the age of 21.

This is not to say that it is impossible to live outside of these pre-existing structures – it is. 

Some people discovered eons ago that limitations are only as real as we allow them to be and live their lives by their own design. Even they have structures, just of their own making and they may find it difficult to form other relationships because of their insistence on separation from the constructs that ‘define’ relationships. It’s cyclical.

Think about certain accepted ‘truths’ that are sometimes used as a way to excuse or justify the behaviours of others. 

How often do we hear, ‘boys will be boys,’ or ‘that’s just how girls are’? Each of these represents a seed upon which a structure has been built.

So, based upon these deeply-rooted definitions of ‘normal,’ the broader concept of relationship was also built. 

Interactions sprang up around these distortions of normalcy and they became established as the new normal. Every time someone accepted the truth of the new normal, it became more firmly established. This is why the distortions were then so widespread.

With the pre-existing and long-established adherence to roles and structures, human relationships became far more complicated. Those whose energy didn’t resonate with the structures may have found themselves struggling to fit in with others, or denying their own truth in order to feel accepted.

This means that even as people try to define relationship on their own terms, because of the old paradigm energies that exist around the concept itself, it is difficult if not impossible to see the potential of what could be, as it doesn’t yet exist.

This is why releasing is vital. 

There is potential for huge transformation if we as a collective, can agree to release the current form that relationship takes. As we do, the structures will dissolve, and the new energies will have a place to land and establish themselves.

For many, this will mean letting go of a current relationship. This is not the end, but the beginning of something much more harmonious and resonant with the incoming feminine energy.

Trust that in letting go of the current forms the relationships take, we are making space for miracles and for a shift so dynamic that we’ll forget what we ever thought we knew.

This feels no different to the death of a loved one and it is not easy. Think though, about how relationships have the capacity to completely transform through the process of death, as those left behind can reassess and redefine their bond with those who’ve gone beyond.

For some, it will mean letting go of pursuing or seeking out relationships until the new energies are established. It is very difficult to envision the concept of a formless entity within the configurations of the current paradigm.

We must be patient and continue to focus on knowing and loving ourselves and releasing the ties to the distortions (possession, dominance, etc) around relationship. 

Huge growth is available right now and if we can hold space for this transformation, we contribute to change on a universal level.

It’s time to relinquish the illusion of control and allow for this shift to happen. Source wants for us to experience bliss and joy like we’ve never thought possible and it’s right there, waiting for us to claim it.

thepowerofchange.me