5 Secrets to Mastering Conflict

by Dr. Travis Bradberry anda Joseph Grenny -

Between the two of us, we’ve spent 50 years studying what makes people successful at work. A persistent finding in both of our research is that your ability to handle moments of conflict has a massive impact on your success. 

How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect and connection you have with your colleagues.

Conflict typically boils down to crucial conversations—moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and op­­­­­­­inions differ. And you cannot master crucial conversations without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).

With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that TalentSmart has tested, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.

How can you use emotional intelligence to master crucial conversations? 

There are five common mistakes you must avoid and five alternative strategies you can follow that will take you down the right path.

Mistake #1: Being Brutally Honest 

You’ve suffered in silence long enough. Your colleague continues to park so close to your car that you have to enter through the passenger door. You’ve asked her before to stop. After a dozen more violations of your request, you decide you’ve suffered long enough. 

Clearly, she needs to know what you think of her intentional disrespect. So you let her have it. You get right in her face and tell her what an inconsiderate jerk she is. 

How to beat this?  

Honesty without brutality. From a young age, we’re taught to believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend—that the only options are brutality or harmony. With emotional intelligence, you can speak the truth without burning a bridge. 

Have you ever noticed how some conversations—even ones about very risky subjects—go very well? And others, even ones about trivial things, can degenerate into combat? The antidote to conflict is not diluting your message. It’s creating safety. 

Many people think the content of the conversation is what makes people defensive, so they assume it’s best to just go for it and be brutally honest. It isn’t. 

People don’t get defensive because of the content—they get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. It isn’t the truth that hurts—it’s the malice used to deliver the truth. 

Mistake #2: Robotically Sharing Your Feelings 

Some well-intentioned “communication” professionals suggest that when it’s time to speak up, the diplomatic way to do so is to start by sharing your feelings. 

For example, you tell your parking-impaired colleague, “I feel rage and disgust.” Somehow that’s supposed to help. It doesn’t. People don’t work this way. Robotically sharing your feeling only alienates, annoys and confuses them. 

How to beat this?  

Start with the facts. Our brains often serve us poorly during crucial conversations. In order to maximize cognitive efficiency our minds store feelings and conclusions but not the facts that created them. 

That’s why, when you give your colleague negative feedback and he asks for an example, you often hem and haw. You truly can’t remember. So you repeat your feelings or conclusions, but offer few helpful facts. 

Gathering the facts beforehand is the homework required to master crucial conversations. Before opening your mouth, think through the basic information that helped you think or feel the way you do—and prepare to share it first. 

Mistake #3: Defending Your Position 

When someone takes an opposing view on a topic you care deeply about, the natural human response is “defense.” 

Our brains are hard-wired to assess for threats, but when we let feelings of being threatened hijack our behavior, things never end well. In a crucial conversation, getting defensive is a surefire path to failure. 

How to beat this?  

Get curious. A great way to inoculate yourself against defensiveness is to develop a healthy doubt about your own certainty. Then, enter the conversation with intense curiosity about the other person’s world. 

Give yourself a detective’s task of discovering why a reasonable, rational and decent person would think the way he or she does. As former Secretary of State Dean Rusk said, “The best way to persuade others is with your ears, by listening.” 

When others feel deeply understood, they become far more open to hearing you. 

Mistake #4: Blaming Others for Your Situation 

Your boss tells you she’ll go to bat for you for a promotion. You hear later that in the HR review she advocated for your colleague instead. You feel betrayed and angry. Certainly, your boss is the one responsible for your pain—right? Truth is, she’s not the only one. 

How to beat this?  

Challenge your perspective. When we feel threatened, we amplify our negative emotions by blaming other people for our problems. You cannot master conflict until you recognize the role you’ve played in creating your circumstances. 

Your boss may have passed you over, but she did so for a reason. Half your pain is the result of her betrayal; the other half is due to your disappointment over not performing well enough to win the promotion. 

Mistake #5: Worrying About the Risks of Speaking Up 

It’s easy for crucial conversations to fill you with dread. Under the influence of such stress, your negative self-talk takes over and you obsess over all the bad things that might happen if you speak up. You conjure images of conflict, retribution, isolation and pain until you retreat into silence. 

How to beat this?  

Determine the risks of not speaking up. The fastest way to motivate yourself to step up to difficult conversations is to simply articulate the costs of not speaking up. VitalSmarts research shows that those who consistently speak up aren’t necessarily more courageous; they’re simply more accurate.  

First, they scrupulously review what is likely to happen if they fail to speak up. Second, they ponder what might happen if they speak up and things go well. And finally (the order is important) they consider what may happen if the conversation goes poorly. 

Once they have an accurate understanding of the possibilities, saying something is their typical choice.

Bringing It All Together

The only way to win an argument is to never have one in the first place. Successful people know this—they don’t avoid conflict because they can do something productive with it before things get out of hand. 

Apply these strategies the next time you’re facing a challenging situation and you’ll be amazed by the results.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:   

Joseph Grenny coauthored this post with me. Joseph is a four-time New York Timesbestselling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business performance at VitalSmarts. Joseph is the coauthor of Crucial Conversations, Influencer, Crucial Accountability and Change Anything.  

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world's leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by,Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

talentsmart.com

Cosmic Laws of Success

by Lynn Claridge -

When it comes right down to it where ever you go is where you are, whatever you end up doing, that's what you are doing, whatever you are thinking right now, that's what's on your mind, what has happened to you, has already happened.

It is a type of mind set.

The important part is how are you going to handle it?

In other words "NOW WHAT". Like it or not this is all we have to work with.

At every moment of the day, we find ourselves at the crossroads of here and now. 

The reason we can often feel lost is because we momentarily lose touch with ourselves and with the full extent of our possibilities. We fall into a robot like way of seeing, thinking and doing.

In those moments, we are breaking the contact with our deepest inner self.

What we need to do is wake up to the way we do things and change our mind set.

Waking up goes hand in hand, with what we might call "wisdom or spiritual enlightenment" which helps us to see more deeply into the cause and effect, the interconnectedness of things.

By seeing and understanding your inner self and trying to change your mind set for the better does not mean you are weird or becoming a religious zombie.

It is simply being you and knowing something about yourself.

It helps to see the path we call life with its direction and meaning. You can easily remain on a slippery slope right into your grave if you do not do something about it.

We may never quite touch the fullness of our possibilities.

Instead we lock ourselves into a personal fiction that we already know who we are, that we know where we are and where we are going, that we know what is happening, all the while remaining enshrouded in thoughts, fantasies and impulses about the past and the future. About what we want and like, what we fear and do not like.

These thoughts spin out continuously, under veiling our direction and the very ground we standing on.

If what happens now does influence what happens next, then does it not make sense to look around from time to time, so you are more in touch with what is happening around now? 

You can then take your inner and outer bearings and perceive with clarity the path that you are actually on, the direction in which you are going.

You need to look inside yourself, only you can decide if you are happy and fulfilled and I mean "really happy and fulfilled" with the path you are on. 

If you are unsure then the chances are you wish to change something in your life.

This could be a physical or mental change. 

By physical I mean you may wish to me healthier and would like to take up more exercise. You may wish to travel the world.

By a mental change I mean a greater understanding of something that interests you, to educate your mind.

For example you may wish to travel more, see parts of the world that offer great wonders or different cultures. Unfortunately you do not earn enough money to do this. Once again you need to change your mind set for things to change.

If you were to educate yourself in your line of work, gain qualifications and advance your career path. You would then earn more money, which in turn would allow you to travel. You see the choice is yours.

You decide which path you wish to take.

The majority of people do not fulfill their full potential. They lack confidence and effort but most of all they do not believe in there own ability to change their life for the better.

• Change your mindset. 

• Believe in yourself and you will gain confidence. 

• Put in the effort and you will reap the rewards both mentally and physically.

I believe if you do this you will be in a better position to chart a course for yourself that is truer to your inner being. A soul path, a path with a heart, your path with a Capital P.

mysticalempowerment.com

Key Spiritual Principles for Personal Growth

by Brad Larsen - 

It’s surprising how many people want success yet can’t define it. Society’s pressure to “look successful” has blurred the lines of what it really means. Many people living so called “successful lives” struggle to find any fulfillment in their lives. Is that success?

“The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life — mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical.” —Julius Erving

It’s common that many of us find ourselves focusing on personal growth, change and rejuvenation. Spirituality is all about personal growth. It’s giving our lives meaning, giving our ventures a reason to be pursued. It’s developing an elevated feeling of purpose.

In a very real sense we have two minds: our left brain is the one that thinks and our right brain is the one that feels. The right brain is where our spirituality resides and unfortunately is often overlooked and underutilized in our quest for success.

The spiritual side of success requires us to take a journey within ourselves and make positive changes to our world and us. This spiritual journey should not be one of getting ahead of other people but rather getting ahead of ourselves.

There are many spiritual principles that can become part of our approach to life and work — ways of being, doing, thinking, believing, behaving and engaging that can enable us to reach our highest potential.

Eight Key Spiritual Principles that can serve as a foundation for successful living:

1. Gratitude

Every day is a gift. Take nothing for granted. If we always focus on what we don't have, we’ll never have enough. 

There’s something very uplifting about filling ourselves with gratitude when we first open our eyes each morning. Gratitude clears away petty crankiness and gives hope and inspiration to our day. 

2. Humility  

Energy gets squandered in the mindless striving for importance by trying to prove we’re richer, smarter, wiser, more capable or more worthy than others. 

Humility means letting go and freeing ourselves of the need to feel bigger than others. 

3. Optimism  

The power of optimism allows us to see the positive aspects of any situation and enables us to capitalize on each possibility. 

Optimism is a proactive state of mind. It’s a belief that many of the outcomes we seek are indeed in our own hands. Curiously, optimism is also a way of capitalizing on luck. 

4. Generosity  

We feel larger, stronger, fuller and more engaged by the simple act of giving. The most direct road to success is to keep on giving. 

Successful people give back to the community or become mentors to others. We grow when we give. 

5. Forgiveness  

We also grow when we forgive. Forgiving is not about approving or condoning what’s been done. It’s about letting go of it. 

When we get caught up in anger and vengeance, we give away parts of ourselves and allow the tormentor to victimize us again. 

6. Cause and effect  

Everything we say or do creates a ripple effect. For example, we not only affect the person we are dealing with, but also their families and friends. 

Trying to create good energy by inspiring people or seeking the better good in the world in turn creates a better us. 

7. Intention  

When we create intention, we take charge of the direction of our energy and events seem to fall into place to support that intention. 

When there is no intention, we default to experience a random life, carried by the currents that others have set in motion. 

8. Expectation  

We may not always get what we want, but we always seem to get what we expect. Whether we realize it or not, we’re constantly “programming” outcomes in our lives. 

Before achieving anything we must believe that it is possible. The clarity of our intention and the strength of our expectation come together to focus our attention and energy on results.

We don’t just “go” through life, we “grow” through life. Focusing on spiritual principles of success can help us leave a legacy, not just a memory and a bunch of stuff. Start to tell the story of your life, as you want it to be. Don’t be afraid of taking it slow but be afraid of not moving forward at all.

Brad Larsen is a life coach and corporate consultant from northern Utah. He can be reached at bradlarsen@dailymasterpieces.com.

dailymasterpieces.com
Ivorymagazine.com

The Essence of True Success

by Swami Chidananda -

Please try to understand the correct implication of the term "successful life".

When you talk of success with reference to life; 

• it does not merely mean succeeding in everything that you undertake or do; 
• it does not merely mean succeeding in fulfilling all wants or getting whatever you desire; 
• it does not just mean acquiring a name or attaining a position or imitating fashionable ways and appearing modern or up-to-date.

The essence of true success is what you make of yourself. 

It is the conduct of life that you develop, it is the character that you cultivate and it is the type of person you become.

This is the central meaning of successful living. Such successful life is one that succeeds in producing an ideal individual. 

Upon this point reflect well and attain great happiness:

Your success is not measured in terms of what all you obtain but in terms of what you become, how you live, and what actions you do. 

Are you committed to something very definite, very clear, very unmistakable? Ask yourself this question.

Keep on asking until you are clear, until you are absolutely certain about your answer to this question. For according to your commitment, that will be your life.

God's plan for you is the ultimate experience of the divine perfection which is your innermost reality, which is your true Self.

Let life become this process of fulfilling God's plan for you. You will bless your own immediate environment, your nation and the entire world.

Remember, you are a Divine Child of God no matter what age or stage you are in. 

Therefore, at all times be Divine in your thoughts, words, and actions. Be Strong. Be Fearless in Truth. Have firm Courage to be yourself.

Do not be weak and wish to imitate others but be spiritual strong and bold and do not be afraid to differ from the crowd if you think that is that right thing to do.

To flow with the stream is easy but to swim against the currents needs guts. That's what being Divine means, namely, having the guts to remain what you are without being dragged into being what every A. B...Z is nowadays. 

Independent and original! That's what this Swami wants to find in you at all times, in all conditions, under all circumstances, in all crowds. Head and shoulders high above the rest but with no snobbery or superiority. Just simply, with humility; but with strength.

You will get respect. You help others that way because you will show a new way, a new out of the mess which teenagers are in since the past 25 years. God bless you and may you shine as a light.

Be an excellent student. Be one understanding son or daughter. An Ideal human Individual be. Also a true Lover of all that is Good, Virtuous and Beautiful.

Live simply but think nobly. 

Feel Divinity and act Ideally. Be perfect in small things and little acts day by day.

Try to make each single day full of Truth, Selflessness, Nobility, and purity.

Life will be grand and glorious then because your life is made up of single days one after another. Take thought of your day!

sivanandaonline.org

The Success Formula

by Jack Canfield -

The Formula that Puts You in Control of Success:

What prevents you from achieving the success you want?

Is it a lack of money, free time, or opportunities at work? Have you not achieved your goals because of the economy, what your business colleagues have done (or not done), or the lack of motivation among your employees?

Perhaps you place the blame on how you were raised or on your family for not giving you the proper amount and type of support.

If you responded to my question with a laundry list of reasons why you aren’t where you want to be, you’re not alone.

Most people automatically find excuses and blame others when things don’t work out the way they want. This seems to be particularly true in the United States, where many people buy into the myth that we are entitled to success and happiness – that someone else should be giving us what we want.

However, if unlimited success is your goal, looking outside of yourself is a strategic error. The most important lesson you must understand that you are 100 percent responsible for your life – the good and the bad.

The formula I like to use to explain this concept is:

E + R = O 
(Events + Responses = Outcome)

The basic idea is that every outcome you experience in life (whether it's success or failure, wealth or poverty, wellness or illness, intimacy or estrangement, joy or frustration) is the result of how you have responded to an earlier event in your life. 

Likewise, if you want to change the results you get in the future, you must change how you respond to events in your life … starting today.

What Most People Do

When people don’t like the outcomes they are experiencing, most choose to blame the event (E) for their lack of results (O).

In other words, you can blame the economy, the weather, the lack of money, lack of education, racism, gender bias, the current administration in Washington, your wife or husband, your boss's attitude, the lack of support, and so on.

If you're a golfer, you've probably even blamed your clubs or the course you’ve played on – but never yourself. This is what most people do.

It’s true that these factors exist and that they impact you. 

However, if they were the deciding factor in whether someone succeeded or not, nobody would ever succeed.

For every reason it's not possible, there are hundreds of people who have faced the same circumstances and succeeded.

The deciding factor in success is not the external conditions and circumstances. It's how you choose to respond (R).

We think limiting thoughts and engage in self-defeating behaviors. We defend our self-destructive habits (such as drinking and smoking) with indefensible logic.

We ignore useful feedback, fail to continuously educate ourselves and learn new skills, waste time on the trivial aspects of our lives, engage in idle gossip, eat unhealthy food, fail to exercise, spend more than we make, fail to tell the truth, don't ask for what we want, and then wonder why our lives aren't working.

What Successful People Do

Successful people take a different approach to events. They simply change their responses (R) to the events (E) until they get the outcomes (O) they want.

You can change your thinking, change your communication, change the pictures you hold in your head (your images of the world) and you can change your behavior (the things you do). That's all you really have control over anyway.

Unfortunately, most of us are being run by our habits. We get stuck in conditioned responses to our spouses and children, to our work colleagues, to our customers and our clients, to our students, and to the world at large.

You have to gain control of your thoughts, your images, your dreams, daydreams and your behavior. Everything you think, say and do need to become intentional and aligned with your purpose, your values and your goals.

If you don't like your outcomes, change your responses.

The Formula in Action

You don’t have to look far to find examples of how this works: consider the economy.

When the Gulf War broke out, a friend of mine who owns a Lexus dealership in Southern California turned to this formula to guide him through the resulting impact on the economy.

People stopped coming in to buy Lexuses, so he knew that his normal response (R) of running newspaper and radio ads wouldn’t be good enough to keep his business afloat. The outcome (O) he was experiencing was a steady decrease of visitors to his showroom, as well as sales.

So they tried a number of new things. 

Some didn’t work; some did. One of the strategies that worked was driving a fleet of new cars to where the rich people were – the country clubs, the marinas, polo grounds, parties in Beverly Hills and Westlake Village – and inviting them to take a test drive.

Have you ever test-driven a new car and then gotten back into your old car? Suddenly your old car wasn’t good enough – you wanted the new car! The same thing happened for the people who took a Lexus for a spin and many bought or leased a new car.

By changing their response (R) to an unexpected event (E) – the war -- the dealership eventually got the outcome (O) they wanted … increased sales. In fact, they ended up selling more new cars per week than before the war broke out.

If we all experience the same event, the outcome you get will be totally dependent upon your response to the situation.

Carefully choose how you respond to events – how you choose to interpret events, how you choose to think about and talk about what happened, how you choose to act -- If you want to achieve better outcomes.

Remember, you control your destiny … so make it a fantastic one!

About Author: Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul®and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: 

freesuccessstrategies.com

jackcanfield.com