Dealing with Confrontational People

by Ni Marco -

I don’t know about you but I’m not very fond of confrontation. It always feels awkward and uncomfortable, and in most occasions leads to undesirable outcomes.

Nevertheless, I am a firm believer of standing up to my values and beliefs, remaining truthful to my principles without the pretension, however, to foist them on others.

I am not a fan of charades, tip toeing or being socially polite regarding my view of the world. For one I don’t tolerate injustice and I am not afraid to stand for what I feel and think is right and fair.

As the famous author, James Redfield, mentions in his book 'The Twelfth Insight',

"we must uphold the truth in every circumstance in life because only then will be able to establish honest and uplifting interactions with others."

So, you can understand how sometimes people will not agree with your truth and feel threatened by it.

What most of us lack to understand is that the way we respond to the world has its fundament on our own limited way of perceiving it, which turns our behaviors into mere reflections of our own internal representations.

By disagreeing aggressively people are demonstrating the reaction of their threatened ego and a disruption of their own identities.

Aggressiveness is then part of their internal representation of the world. This is an unresourceful state or reaction, that demonstrates a lack of adaptability and flexility, which firms people even more into their own beliefs systems.

All in all, it’s important to keep an opened mind and have flexibility of thought because we can only broaden our own view of the world if we decide consciously to maintain such perspective.

This is how we grow and evolve, by experimentation and critical judgement.

The Trap of Confrontation

When we are being confronted our first immediate reaction (internal or external) is to be swept away by our ego’s eagerness to fight back and level our response to the other person’s menace.

This is our defensive mechanism that is turned on when the alarm bells in our heads go off, when we feel our sense of identity being threatened.

At this stage we might be tempted to engage in an argument, being conniving with the other person’s illusion of reality. But we must restrain ourselves from this trap.

If you argue back you are strengthening the other person’s way to view and experience the world, you are entering the trap in which he will feed of the energy you give him, and as commonly put: you are adding fuel to the fire.

At this point just:

• take a breath
• bring yourself into awareness
• keep calm, focused and centered in your truth

When we are genuinely consciously aware of our true essence, sure of our pure intentions and are able to stay truthful to ourselves, our beliefs and values, then we realize a deep shift in behavior.

We need to be able to do this well for our own sake.

Most importantly we should make an active effort to maintain high energy levels as a way of protecting ourselves from the energy frequencies that the other person is emanating. 

Be aware so you:

• do not take the other person’s energy
• do not grant them power over you
• do not allow them to manipulate your emotions, thoughts or words

Remember that people are a reflection of their internal representations, so what they are externalizing is nothing more than their own inner reality, it has nothing to do with you!

Keep in mind the principle of cause and effect: we mustn’t let other people’s actions or words dictate our own way of experiencing the world.

Taking responsibility for our own internal states is a form of taking control over our behaviors, thoughts and ultimately lives.

If you want the other person to express the opposite behavior than the one they’re showing you will have to try to reason with the person:

Give him back the truth of your view from where you stand, meaning give back to the person the reality of his behavior by acknowledging his altered state: “You seem to be very angry about …” or “Why are you behaving so aggressively?” or “Are you aware of how aggressive your behavior is right now?”

Sometimes people overreact in situations and are not aware of how irrational their behavior becomes and the above could suffice to bring them into awareness.

By describing the facts of the situation you are taking the negative energy charge that is being directed towards you and redirecting it back to the other person. This could either go one of two ways: either the person realizes and acknowledges their overreaction or becomes even more infuriated.

If by then you are in the middle of the second hypothetical situation and no matter how you plea with reason the person other is not responsive to that, my advice would be: just leave it!

Abandon the conversation and let the other person come to their senses at their own terms (if ever). There is no gain in sustaining a situation where your energy is being threatened of depletion!

Wish them all the best from the bottom of your heart, hope that they’ll find their way into assertiveness and awareness and then simply let them go in their own path while you distance yourself from them.

Don’t feel bad about leaving a discussion that is no longer fruitful or in which the other person is blinded by their reason.

Protecting yourself is the best thing you can do for you and them!

In short, when in confrontational situations, the best rule of thumb is not to get suck into the other person’s arguments or illusions. As the very wise polish proverb announces:

“Not my circus, not my monkeys!”

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